Passing for Dummies
by The Cheburic Whale
Summary: Some things are better when you don't leave it to the last minute. The ever so awkward Asuka Kazama has to learn this the hard way as she tackles her school, home and social life. Oh, did I mention she has a pile of assignments to do before the deadline? And whats this about the next tournament just around the corner? AsukaPOV, AU kinda, Tekken needs some comedy! NO OCs :/
1. Writers Block pt1

**Writers Block pt.1**

_"What's wrong? You have no energy  
Is it because there's a lot of worrisome news?  
Are you worried you've gained a bit of weight?  
That's not like you"_

_(Cha Cha Sing by Berryz Koubou.)_

* * *

Okay, I have officially run out of ideas, I mean how hard is it to come up with an idea of a damn story? On top of that, my teacher threatened that if I didn't get this done, I would be dropped from the course. I was and still am pissed off about it. How am I supposed to write an 8 paged story when it's due after the weekend? Did I mention it's almost 7pm, Friday?

This may seem easier than you think, but it's not. If anyone has any ideas, please call me. My name is Asuka Kazama and I don't want to be out of the English Literature class I love so much. And it's not because my teacher makes the subject fun, she doesn't really, she's always in she has the beak of a pelican and she always smartasses her students like there's no tomorrow. It would be annoying if it wasn't so damn funny to watch the 'dull' students get their asses handed to them for a stupid question. And to be honest, she _is_ one of the best teachers I have... But still, the reason I don't want to be named and shamed in this class is because of this one person I-

Idea! Of course you can't get a passing grade for English lit if you only have your name on the top left corner of the document and the words "I'm so bored" in block capitals typed in the middle. And the greatest writers have gotten their ideas from a walk outside haven't they?! Yes, I would take a walk, clear my mind and think about how to start this thing.

I took the heated laptop off of my now reddening thighs and scrambled off of my bed. I heard it, he soft tapping coming from my window. My eyes furrowed slightly, turning on my heel I began to creep towards the window, the sound becoming louder as I approached it. I'm a fighter; I'll be able to handle it if it was a burglar-rapist-crack head. I clenched my left fist, my hand slowly inching towards the curtain before swiftly pulling it back along with my fist to ready myself for a kidney punch.

The tapping sound was still there, but no burglar-rapist-crack head, no one. Oh God I didn't want to squint at the window only to see slender man beside the house opposite to mine and then teleport in my face like 'sup bitch'! Once the mental image crossed my mind, I closed the curtains as fast as I had opened them. I do _not_ want my mind to do that to me again. Bad brain, bad!

"Asuka, what are you doing?"

I didn't even notice he was standing in the doorway to my room. Hell, I didn't even notice he was visiting today. _Uncle_ Lars... I guess that's what I should call the man that's 11 years my elder and a couple of years older than my cousin. I just hope they don't start a duo like LMFAO. Another thing about my uncle is that he always seems to catch me at my most awkward moments. I don't know if he's an awkward guy like that or if he senses my fear of Slenderman but he's just there. And he's not Slenderman! He's too short and his hair is too pointy for that! "Do you want the truth or...?"

"Something sane please,"

"Well, I heard something outside and I went to check and I heard that it was rain but then I wanted to check if it was really that bad but then I got scared that it would be Slenderman and I was even more scared that he would be all in my face and mentally rape me with his blank face so I closed the curtains."

"... Dinner is ready." That wasn't sane was it? I could have sworn that it's normal to be scared of something that isn't real –yes; I know damn well that Slenderman isn't real but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm scared of him! I nodded in acknowledgement as he left my room slowly with a bewildered look on his face. What I had said was _totally_ normal. See what I used there? Sarcasm, Jin ain't the only one that's able to use it.

* * *

I'm getting off topic here aren't I? My homework would be due in less than a three days and I still need to get an idea. The table was quieter than it was usually when all of the Mishima's were eating together. Why are we eating together? Because aunt Jun is a powerful and scary woman, that's why.

I looked up from my plate to the other habitants of the table, only to see them staring me down with the same look uncle Lars had almost 10 minutes ago. Oh, no, no no no no, he didn't tell them what happened to make me seem awkward did he? My eyes darted towards him and in return, he made the 'I zipped my lips' movement and I nodded furiously. "Why is everyone staring at me?"

Everyone meaning, _everyone_ at the table; if everyone in the world was staring at me... I would be creeped out. "You were thinking out loud." Uncle Lars finally spoke up. I do that?

"Yes, you do." My aunt answered sweetly. The undertone... Was not sweet. Maybe they were mixed feelings about being called 'scary' and 'powerful'.

"So,"

"Your homework is called _your_ homework for a reason, do it on your own." Uncle Kazuya this time. The Mishima's enjoy ganging up on each other, either that or taking the strongest or their own side and destroying the opposing team completely. What is happening is, I am the only person on the opposing team. Auntie Jun is neutral as always, Lars will apparently be the hero at the end of all of this and break up the conflict and Jin will continue to call me an idiot for the rest of the week for whatever I picked. "Jun, do you have any relatives that _aren't_ retarded?" I try not to take this to heart. Simply because this is him being _nice._ He's rude and mean normally, take-candy-from-Asuka mean, then he speaks the truth in the weirdest of ways and it leaves you thinking whether or not he was helping you or fed up with you being wrong all the time and then he's just sadistic. I don't mean, beat the holy hell out of you if you back talk him, no, that's parenting. He'll beat the holy hell out of you because the wind changes directions. He is the devil.

"Just a little starter, I need help! I can't think of anything..." I could have sworn I heard my cousin say something along the lines of me not being able to think anyway. He's a misery guts like that too, uncle Kazuya and Jin are pretty much one and the same. I didn't even notice that this was the first time in weeks that he's sitting down at the table and eating with us. Because uncle Lars moved in a few days ago. And yes, he is still wearing that ridiculous looking armor suit, ya' know the one with the cape and the lion on the front? That one.

"Most writers use their previous experiences or dreams as a muse." My aunt Jun piped up. Piped up… Why do people use that instead of 'spoke up'? I know I just used it, but I can't imagine my aunt smoking a pipe and speaking at the same time. Back to the subject, before I start thinking out loud again.

"My dreams are weird though…" I sighed and stuffed a small chunk of what I _thought_ was chicken into my mouth. I wrinkled my nose in disgust and chewed slowly. Oh God, it couldn't be… No…

"Oh dear, I forgot to take out the tofu for your plate… I'm sorry, Asuka."

I wanted to throw up. It was squishy, tasteless and…

"I think she shouldn't be picky and finish what's on her plate."

Damn you, Jin.

* * *

**Man, I will tell you this truthfully, all of this was inspired by MY writers block. XD I failed to know wtf to do with myself when I wanted to start so many other stories or continue the others. And I wanted to continue the other ones soooo badly. **

**I may just change my user name... Songs I used for this chapter were...**

**1. Into a Nap**

**2. Early Summer**

**3. **

**All from Hana Kimi, because the songs are SILLY! XD This is kind of a crackfic... Maybe a little friendship and family... -a little romance but one sided.**

**Anyway, constructive criticism please, read and review and all that bollocks.**

**Yes, I am British. It's VERY hard to write in first person without letting the Brit slip. x3**

**CHERUBIC WHALE OUT!**


	2. Writers Block pt2

**Writers Block pt.2**

_"Was it a scary dream you were worrying over?  
__Make sure to watch out for sweet talkers, ok?  
__I worry about you, so  
__I meddle without noticing it."_

_(Cha Cha Sing by Berryz Koubou.)_

* * *

Spring is a beautiful time of the year isn't it? The flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping in such a high pitch you want to punch a pacifist and finally, spring is the season of all things that is lo-

"Is this girl going to stare at that tree forever or are we gonna enter the waterpark?" That, I'm sure is Miharu, I think it is, most likely. Miharu Hirano is Ling Xiaoyu's best friend, a girl that goes to my school and takes part in the tournament –I heard that Hirano tried to enter the tournament before but was beaten in the preliminary rounds, ouch. Anyway, that is why she's with Xiaoyu, Alisa, Leo, the brat and myself are standing outside of a water park. It _is_ spring and we plan to embrace our youth before we grow old and saggy. People normally describe how people are dressed in these situations right?

Well, Miharu was relatively normal in a large top and shorts, Xiaoyu was pink as hell with a pink dress, Leo wore long shorts and a t shirt, the brat wore something expensive and I wore… Crap. I threw on a spaghetti strap top and a pair of shorts… Alisa… Wore… That weird stuff she normally wears for no reason. Damn it all! Why do other people look like their wearing something so much better than whatever you're wearing!?

Anyway, back to the whole subject, last night after the awkward dinner, Leo called, and thank God it was Leo, the last time we had a group activity, Xiaoyu called me and she was screaming my ear down asking for my damned cousin to get on the phone… I changed my number and so did he. I now understand why he changes his number so frequently. Leo calmly told me that the others were meeting up at the train station to go to the water park, so naturally I said 'yes'.

Its Saturday, 1:40pm… I know; I still have the homework to do, but the WATER PARK, man! I wanted to have fun without staying at home and playing a pile of video games for several hours with only toilet and breaks for food.

I can't believe how well it went though. I mean how well me leaving the house. Normally my aunt would instantly stop me and confine me to my room with nothing but a paper and a pen and my cousin would laugh in my face-not really because he doesn't really laugh, but still, he would to the mental laughing thingie! But my aunt went out for work –which I completely forgot she had- and my uncle and company were left at home. So it was uncle Kazzy –I use it against him just to piss him off, uncle Lars, Alisa was there too so I brought her with me, Jin and uncle Lee… So I dragged Alisa with me and she asked if I did my homework, which gained the attention of my uncle Kazzy who just nodded towards the door.

I still have no idea why.

* * *

THAT BASTARD KNEW! HE KNEW WHAT TIME I'D BE BACK AT A STUPID ASS TIME IN THE EVENING AND HE LET ME GO TO SEE ME SUFFER! HOW COULD I THINK FOR A SPLIT SECOND THAT HE JUST WANTED ME TO HAVE SOME FUN WITH MY FRIENDS? HE'S THE FRIGGIN' DEVIL I TELLS YA!

Ahem, seventeen rides later, I was pooped. I couldn't take any more. I was so damn tired, Xiaoyu was so busy getting a spaz attack and dragging us to almost every single ride that existed in the water park, and the worst part about it wasn't the lines, it was her wanting to go to another amusement park and taking the bus all the way to the other side of Tokyo to get there. It just killed me, the streets were packed, there were advertisements everywhere and I don't know why, but there were _alot _of men in business suits walking around... Just wanted to put that out there. I'll probably ask uncle... La-Lee. Uncle Lee, as flamboyant as he is, I haven't gotten into any odd situations with him before. He's excellent.

We all said our goodbyes, I was surprised that I didn't get into as many fights with the brat as usual, most likely because we were both tired and Alisa was a girl with rockets installed in her arms and bullets at her fingertips. I don't think anyone wants to get hit by one of those and I'm sorry to anyone who has been hit by one of those.

I didn't take my bicycle, which was a burn in itself and whats worse is that my bicycle had to be taken to be repaired because some kind of brat, I ain't sayin' no names, ran me over and spilled my lunch, now the back fender is dented and the brake cable broke, snapped, how? As the car that had a thing against my beautiful bicycle. I have no further complaints about it, my uncle Lars offered to pay for it and I kindly accepted the offer. What? Did you think I'd decilne an offer that involved someone paying for something that costs more than ¥50,000? Besides, he's my uncle, kinda, and he offered. So smiley face to me, even if he's a little socially awkward.

I got home by the way. And I'll have you know I slammed the door behind me because I knew aunt Jun wasn't home yet and I wa nted that bastard that looks like he's been thrown into a blender with the hair slicked back like a ducks ass to hear my frustration. I would never go to him face to face and express it, that was a job for everyone else in this family sans my dad.

If you still don't know who I'm talking about it's my uncle.

Not uncle Lars. He's awkwardly cool.

...

Not uncle Lee either, he's too flamboyantly excellent. And I hear that he's got the Williams sisters chasing after him because he's got them moves, swag jagger.

... If you still don't know I'm not telling you because I'm already half way up the stairs and my cousin just reminded me about the assignment I was supposed to do two days ago. I am in huge trouble.

* * *

Anyone reading this would be so proud of me when I tell you I managed to start the assignment. And let me tell you I'm tired as hell, my hair feels weird because of the chlorine in the water so now it feels all squeaky and I can't stop squeaking it. It's fun. I should have washed it out as well as had a bath to get that crap off of my body over three hours ago but like I said before, it's the most fun I'll ever have . Squeaker squeakens.

Back to the assignment that I have finally started, even my cousin was surprised to see a page worth and a half of words on the page. Do you wanna know what it said? "IT WAS SPRING" in big letters, I think the size of the font was 48... But still! I got it started! Take that Konno sensei! I was able to write something so tell your supervisor whats-his-face to suck my dick!

... I do not have a dick.

... But for some reason, the first thing I thought of was that I'd get an operation to get one, just so he would suck it and then get rid of it.

... I do not want that man to suck my imaginary dick.

I pushed my chair back and got up to get the door.

Did I mention that someone was knocking on my door? No? Sorry, there are a lot of things happening in this house and there are a lot of people living here. So I really can't tell who's there just by the knock alone. I'm not psychic, I wish I was but I am not, I have so many things I'd do with my imaginary kick ass powers and I will use them with grace!

I would use them to beat my cousin Jin up. And the brat. If you don't know who the brat is, it's Lili. That brat.

I slowly made my way to the door, occasionally stopping to do something frivolous like picking up a Momobella plushie and tossing it on my bed. Then I stared at it for the longest time trying to decide whether or not to rearrange how I put it down, instead, I picked it up by the leaf and heard another set of knocking, a little harder than before. Uncle Lars? Uncle Kazzy wouldn't knock on the door, he'd knock the damn door down. Aunt Jun doesn't think that privacy exists so she just walks in. Reason: 'we are both women'. Logic? None.

I did open the door by the way. It was uncle Lars and he stared at me for a long while with a confused look on his face. At first I thought he was a sexual predator but then I saw him look at Momobella in wonder. Ah, the plushie.

"She's cute. I think one of the toddlers at the asylum has that one..." I didn't see that coming. I didn't think he'd be such an asshole.

"Don't make me bring up your hair." I warned, waving Momobella around as if it were an actual weapon. Instead, he picked it up and set it down on the floor before he pat my head and said 'touche'. Why was he here anyway? He had no right to stand near my door unless he had actual, official business at my door or in my room! Not even my friends are allowed into my room! Mostly because my aunt says-

Who cares what she says about my room! It's not messy.

"It is a rather messy room." My non-directly-related-to-me-swedish-uncle-with-a-kink-for-armour said as he peeked into my room and shook his head.

... I should stop thinking out loud. It could really ruin my plans to rule the world.

"Quite the irritating habit you have."

Why is he in my room?

* * *

He came to my room to help me with my homework, which is nice. I forgot that there were nice people in this house with a kink for armour, speedos or are attracted to grumpy old men. So, his idea of help was to write something based on my life which is actually kind of awesome yet uneventful. I don't think anyone has a family like mine, but I doubt my life in general is very exciting to say the least. I told him that and he offered -more like pushed me away from the computer- and bashfully-shamelessly-wrote about his adventures as the leader of a rebellion against my cousin.

I don't think I can send that to my teacher, but I kept it for good measure. Oh yeah, he also told me that aunt Jun was going to go on 'strike', good for her. She doesn't have to put up with all the lazy assholes in this house, plus, she doesn't have to cook anymore meals... make beds... Do... laundry...

HOLY CRAP THAT MEANS EITHER I HAVE TO DO IT OR THIS HOUSE IS GONNA BE THE HOME OF COCKROACHES AND RATS!

* * *

If you were wondering why that part was so short, it was because I have to move rooms now. My oh-so fa-bo uncle wanted to use my ultra awesome laptop so I decided to let him because he's paying for my bike repairs. Which reminds me. "Uncle Lee, if you're so rich, why are you living here?"

... He didn't answer me. He kept to his business and shooed me out in the most flamboyant way possible. Is he going through money troubles?

He slammed my door behind him and I walked downstairs, deciding to take a walk to the takoyaki stand a few blocks away from the house since I have a craving for takoyaki all of a sudden... By the way, we have three floors in the house and to this day, I don't know who owns this house, but I want the owner to put in an elevator for those days I've had too much to eat and I have to go all the way to the 3rd floor to rest in my room.

When I got downstairs, I took the keys from the counter next to the door and stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans. Before you ask, I don't always wear skinny jeans because I like normal jeans. They are comfortable and they don't cut off the blood circulation in my ankles. I opened the front foor and thats when I saw them. Two men, COMPLETE STRANGERS MIND YOU EVEN THOUGH I RECOGNISE ONE OF THEM were standing on the front lawn of my house, one in leather and the other in what looked like a uniform, both standing at the front of the door with their muscly backs to me. Both blocking _my_ way. Before I could get their attention by calling out to them, they both turned to me and stared me down. DON'T LOOK DOWN ON ME! I AIN'T THAT SHORT!

They looked at each other and shrugged before turning their attention back to whatever caught their interest in the first place. Who are these people and WHAT ARE THEY DOING OUTSIDE OF **MY** HOUSE!? I would've 'merked they asses' if they weren't so hot. I probably will if they ignore me again, but I felt the ground shake underneath my feet and I squeezed my head in the space between their arms. The dark haired one just sighed lightly and side stepped to lean against the brick wall.

My cousin... Was on the floor, covered in mud, cat fighting against a girl.

... This would be so normal but it really isn't, I don't know where the mud came from but I looked towards the innocent whistling and saw Leatherman(Yes, I gave him a superhero name) slowly nudge the bucket out of my sight. Aunt Jun is on strike because she has hindsight and knew this was coming isn't it? That's the only reasonable explanation. I redirected my gaze to the fight. Which seemed more like a cat fight filled with little bitch slaps, scratching, name calling and pulling hair than anything else.

... I could have sworn I recognised the girl's voice. But that's impossible because none of my female friends like talking or picking fights with Jin Kazama. Except for one, but that would be impossible because she's not as crazy as she was when she-

"For the last time, Xiao, I am NOT BARING YOUR CHILDREN!"

Oh God, she snuck into the house again and she was mud wrestling with a look of extreme perversity on her face, isn't she?

"GIVE IN TO MY WOMANLY FEATURES! MATE WITH ME~!" Xiaoyu screamed, gaining the attention of more of my neighbours and grandpa Heihachi who just came back from walking Kuma. Uncle Kazzy was watching with a hint of amusement, uncle Lars... Came outside and walked straight back in. Back to the scrap outside, I watched them as they rolled around some more until she hit the back of her head against the wooden gate post and finally let go of him. Jin stood up quickly and laughed triumphantly at his success. Which was more of a fail because the ground and him was covered in mud. Especially his butt and the back of his trouser legs.

"NEVER!"

"... So you like manly features, Jin?" I asked innocently.

"..."

"... So you like men, Jin?"

"... Fuck off, Asuka."

* * *

**Well, thats it from me for today! I hope this chapter is just as entertaining as the last one because the whole point of this story is randomness. So much random that it's uncontrollable. And you can guess who the two men in the hallway were, just by their clothing and the fact that they were there. I'm still on holiday in New York... So there will be a time in the future where my updates won't be this frequent. As a final 'see you later', I shall tell you that Writers Block will be finished in the next chapter. If you wish to follow this story, please do so, because I'm not sure about how long it'll be, the longest it would be is 12 chapters...**

**Anyway, R&R as usual, don't just send me PMs because they really get on my tits when I have to open them up on my PHONE.**

**Cherubic Whale OUT!**


	3. Writers Block pt3

__**Writers Block pt.3**

_All year long (All year long!)  
And one hundred years from now (Hundred years from now!)  
Today and tomorrow too (Today and tomorrow!)  
Hey, let's live with smiles on our faces_

_People next door (People next door)  
People in my neighbourhood (In my neighbourhood)  
People around the world! (Worldwide!)  
Everybody's a local on this planet~_

_(Cha Cha Sing by Berryz Koubou.)_

* * *

My uncle wanted to talk to me today. The flamboyant one that likes wearing speedos and saying 'excellent' in English all the time. Uncle Lee, if you're wondering, I have many uncles, and I'm living with those many uncles... I still don't know who owns this house but I doubt that it's aunt Jun. I'll have to investigate this when I find out what my uncle wants from me.

So, I walked downstairs, limping slightly because dragging Xiaoyu home last night was hard work. I'll explain in more detail of how this house works. There are three floors, the top floor is the attic so we don't exactly count it as a fourth floor because we have no actual stairs going up there. On the third floor, we have my room, a toilet at the end of the corridor and a couple of guest rooms. Some times aunt Jun sleeps upstairs, some times she doesn't. But still, I had this floor to myself until uncle Lars started living here a few days ago because of the lack of space on the second floor, but there are like two study's and a man cave on this floor because I'm the only one up here. On the second floor it's the same layout, but Jin, uncle Lee, uncle Kazzy and aunt Jun are on that floor. Jin has the room next to the stairs, my uncle and aunt have the room next door, uncle Lee has the room at the end. Opposite those two rooms would be grandpa Heihachi's room and grandma Kazumi Mishima... I've never really met her before. AH! And GREAT grandpa Jinpachi is gonna be in the other room in a few weeks... I don't know why every single Mishima is going to be under one roof, but whatever.

The final floor is where the kitchen, the living room, the dining room and the front and back door are. We also have a garden in the back and a pool... This house is kinda big... Oh yeah! If you're wondering about bathrooms, there's one on each floor.

ANYWAY! I got to uncle Lee's room and I knocked on the door. When I got no answer I knocked again, except a little louder than before. And in next to 5 minutes, I was banging my fists against the door, ordering him to open the door or else I'd kick it down.

"I said, 'it's open'!" Even when pissed off he sounds fabulous. I entered his room and SHIT HOW COULD THIS BE THE SAME HOUSE?! His entire room was pure white, it was even bigger than my room. Either that or that its true about white walls, carpet, desk, lamp and bed making a room look bigger... I closed the door behind me and walked towards him, and let me tell you, I almost missed him. The man was in a _white tracksuit_ and his hair was snow white too! The only think that told me that it was him was his skin which was thankfully, darker then the rest of his room. He was sitting on his nice little swirly chair which was a little grey. "My dear niece, Asuka-_chan_, how are you first of all?"

"I'm super, thanks for asking." I said with a fake 'big-gay-Al' lisp. Oh c'mon, I know there are a _lot_ of people that want to use it.

"Good, good. Now, Asuka-_chan,_ I called you t- First of all, please take a seat. We may have quite the lengthly chat, my dear." I would think the way he's talking to me is creepy but I think that he's just an extremely nice guy that wants to bond with his awesome niece. So I looked around and shuffled over to the other side of the room to drag out another chair, this one a little more comfortable looking than the one he was sitting on and he watched me with interest. "Ah, the Sylvia chair... My second most expensive one, and my favourite. I bought it Maison Luxe a couple of years ago..."

"Seriously?" Not, 'we seriously have something in common?' or 'you seriously have a favourite chair?', that 'seriously?' meant: "You mean to tell me that you remember the names of all 23 of your chairs, the price of them _and_ where you bought them, ARE YOU FACKING SERIUS?', that's what the seriously ment. I just wanted to clear that up.

"_Yes," _I can see he enjoys speaking English a lot. "Anyway, talk to me, my dear, I want to know more about you before I can make my final assessment." Alright... Speaking of assessment, my assignment is due _tomorrow_so I need to get on that immediately. "Don't be shy, I won't tell anyone."

"Well... I have this assignment due tomorrow and I tried doing it over the weekend but of course everything around me was especially fascinating and fun that I got distracted-"

"Like the water park?" How did he know about the- "Kazuya told me." Since when did uncle Kazzy talk to people including uncle Le- "Actually, he bragged about it in the kitchen about how naive you were in thinking that he was really that laid back about you not doing your work and that you needed to learn a lesson about procrastinating." ... Oh. So he can read minds? "No, Asuka-_chan_I cannot read minds but I can hear what you're saying."

... I didn't even notice I was thinking aloud again.

"Yeah... Anyway, I still need to do it and if you would _help_ me with it-"

"It would not be _your_ work if I took over now would it?" Damn he was spot on. "Tell me, what are the names of your friends? The people you went to the water park with." That would be creepy if he wasn't trying to get to know me! And I know what friends are!

"Well... There's Ling Xiaoyu, Hirano Miharu, Leo Klisen, Alisa and Lili tagged along but she's _not_ my friend." Was he typing all of this down in his classy computer? Did I mention that it's a Mac? Yeah, well now I did.

"I know this may seem odd, but as far as I know, a majority of your friends have boyfriends." If you're wondering how he knew this, it's probably because I've never noticed him standing in the same room when I'm talking to aunt Jun and because he has all of their personal files up on the computer screen. He has those rights as the son of Mishima Heihachi. "I hacked into the Mishima Zaibatsu's mainframe a while ago, seeing as all of your friends are fighters from previous or current tournaments, it's easier to find them and their personal information." Ooh... Well... That's odd, but kinda cool. My flamboyant uncle is an undercover stalker of teenage girls. Wait wait wait wait, _who_ in my group had boyfriends?! I THOUGHT WE WERE A NUNNERY!

"Who are the ones with boyfriends?" I said a little bit too despirately. But never mind! This was a time where my womanliness was in danger!

"Hirano Miharu, Emilie -or _Lili_ in your case- De Rochefort-" Okay that's alright. Hirano is completely normal so it wouldn't be a surprise that she found a boyfriend and Lili was... Well, she was rich and stuff so either she paid a guy off to date her just for show or she actually got a sorry soul to fall in love with her and date her. But at least that's not half of my friends. Alisa couldn't have a boyfriend because she's not exactly... human, Xiaoyu is too busy obsessing over my cousin, Jin, and trying to force him into planting his seeds into her soil so she's out of the question and my last hope of a sane and single friend was Leo and she just _had_ to stay single! Who would I talk to about hot guys if she wasn't? And loads of people thought she was a boy for like four years!* So I was in the clear. I would just have to stick to the others and- "Asuka-_chan_ are you listening?"

"Wha-Yeah yeah, I was just thinking. It's just Hirano and Lili, right?"

"No, I said Hirano Miharu, Lili De Rochefort, Alisa Bosconovitch and Leo Klisen. And I'm sure that Ling Xiaoyu is the same girl that was attacking Jin yesterday evening, so she has her sights set on him." So... I was the only single or undecided one? Well, crap. "What is your relationship with male's, my dear?"

"I... Don't... Have a b-b-b-"

"Boyfriend."

"That."

Oh God, I feel so horrible right now... All of my friends had a partner in crime! I need one of those! I want one damnit! "By the way, who the heck are Alisa, Leo, Hirano and Lili dating?" I didn't mean to say it, but at least I said something that was supposed to be a thought and noticed it.

"Hm... Alisa has apparently started dating Shin Kamiya a few months ago, Eleonore has been dating a young man by the name of Eliot Lewis** for almost two years, Lili is in a relationship with a frenchman called Lion Rafale*** and Hirano is... Dating a... Girl? A boy?" My uncle began squinting at the screen, it was even worse for us to figure out the gender of this mysterious Hirano-banger because of the lack of a profile picture. We were silent as we started to think through the name. Damn those ambiguous names! That was until my uncle pretty much leaped out of his chair with his finger pointing to the air. "Of course! I've got it! I know what the problem is, my dear Asuka!" Um, I had a problem? Gee, thanks. "I know why you have never had a lover!" Oh no, he's beginning to twirl around the room and towards the phone. DEAR LORD I JUST CAME HERE TO TALK! "My dear sweet child, never again will you have to spend your days alone! Loveless! LONELY!" That asshole is starting to rub it in. It's not rubbing in well, mind you. It's like trying to rub in skin cream but then finding out it's actually yogurt because your stupid cousin wanted you to suffer. "I am now able to find you a lover, Asuka-_chan__!_"

... Wait, REALLY!? I know I shouldn't be happy, what with him verbally slamming me less than a minute ago, but the guy knows his stuff! "So, I can get a date, right?"

"Yes! I'll set one up right now! I have the perfect person in mind just for you, my dear, now _get out_ of my room, you will _stain_ my carpet with your shoes!" He said it all with a smile and that same sweet voice. But damn, that last bit was so sneaky that I almost got out of the room skipping happily.

* * *

My uncle got me all dressed up today. Well, not yet. It was supposed to be an evening dinner with my date, so when I left his room, I started writing my assignment and decided on it being a romance. Because I feel romantic and the second I start going out with my date, I'm sure the words will be flowing from my fingers! Anyway, I haven't decided on what dress to wear yet because he got me a _ton_ of them.

His solution?

Bring _everyone_ that was in the house at the time upstairs to my room where I can change and show them what I was wearing. Just so you know, aunt Jun still isn't home. Meaning that she won't be able to defend me from flaming. The people whouncle Lee _was_ able to convince into helping him help me were the following: Uncle Lars, Uncle Kazzy who walks past room occasionally to see what we were up to next. I mean really, if everything in the house went to hell while aunt Jun was gone, the first person she'd turn on would be him. Her wrath is fierce. And I never get to see how their fights are, but they always take it outside. And I swear, I SEE LAZER BEAMZ AND SLIME SOMETIMES! THE SHIT IS SCARY.

Anyway, there were seven dresses he picked out for me, and they look like the three things that I like to call E.I.R: Expensive, Imported and Ridiculous. Why would I wear these to a blind date? I'm meeting my future boyfriend for the first time but I can't dress like myself...

I went to try it on in my bathroom. What? Didn't I tell you we had bathrooms in our rooms? Whoops! It slipped my mind, sorry~ Anyway, out of the seven dresses, I felt uncomfortable in all of them. Sure they were all... _interesting_ in their own way, but I doubt that they would fit or look good. But I tried them on anyway. The first was a crimson dress, and I'm not done yet. It was a freaking combination of two scarfs and a skirt. The scarfs were supposed to cover up my front junk -and no, I have no penis, I mean the boobs- and it leaves so little to the imagination that I was practically forced out of the make shift changing room to show... The others.

"You look like a crack-whore."

"No, she looks like a poor stripper. Where the hell did you get such an outfit from?"

"My question is how did they make it..."

"Simple, a skimpy skirt and a scarf."

Why were they here again?

* * *

Next, was... A white dress. I don't even know if it was a dress or not. But it was filled with petticoats that looked like someone had barfed up red flower petals all over it and tried to hide it by sticking on big ass roses. But I showed the others. Ya know, because I'm an interesting person in need of an interesting answer. It looked like it was taken straight off of the runway. That's a diss, right? It is, isn't it?

"It looked better on the model." Oi.

"It would look better on anyone else..."

"Even Bob?"

"Even Bob."

Screw you, Jin.

* * *

A dark red fitted corset with a mini explosion of feathers, also red, at the top while at the bottom of the dress, red and black feathers were arranged in the form of a skirt. I look like a stripper.

"You're not walking out of my door dressed like that." THAT WAS UNCLE KAZZY! I swear, it was! The entire room went completely quiet because of his 'daddy authority'.

"I wouldn't want any young girl walking around like that..."

"Like Alisa?"

"... Alisa is a special case."

... Uncle Lars... What is so special about Alisa? What have you done to our dear robot!?

* * *

I swear, I wanted this to be the last one. This fashion show was killing me. I think it was baby pink, either that or I was so dizzy that I'm confusing this barbie dress for something that could fit me...

I was right, it didn't fit me. Well it did, but the tight bodice made it hard for me to breathe and the skirt was made of... I think it was tule and it stuck away from my body like it had its own life. I'm not a little girl, nor am I a barbie. This dress wouldn't work anyway and when uncle Lee peeked to take a look at me, he agreed. He didn't even offer to get a larger dress or something with a bigger bust. The bastard.

"I want out! Can't we just have lunch at a cafe or something and I can wear jeans and a shirt?"

"And she wonders why she's never gotten a boyfriend before." I heard my cousin Jin scoff from my room. THE BASTARD! And if anyone says that its offensive to call him a bastard, I beg to differ! He is an actual bastard! He was born without his mother and father's marriage, and he's a git, the perfect description of a bastard.

I did make the point of not putting on anymore dresses. But Uncle Lee had thrown around a little more 'chan's and 'darling's that I tried on the last, long black fitted dress, a little too elegant for a first date but whatever, it was the best one out of all of them. A strip of fabric embroidered with patterns wrapping itself around the neck, crossing itself at the front and oh my God it was fabulous.

* * *

**I kinda lied when I said that this was the last chapter of the Writers Block 'saga', it's actually the next one. If I was to keep on writing, it would seem way too forced. And I need a day's break before I start writing the chapter, but do not worry! I have the next part planned along with the mystery man~ Hurr hurr hurr~**

*** Only half of the Tekken community thought that Leo was a boy from the time her character was announced (2008) which makes it 4 years from 2012.**

**** Eliot from Dead Or Alive 4 and Dead or Alive 5, let's just pretend he's like 19. I don't want our dear Leo to go to jail for dating a 16 year old boy. And he might make a short appearance. I'm still thinking about it.**

***** I THOUGHT THIS GUY WAS PERFECT! HE'S FRENCH! HE'S LOADED! AND HE'S A BRAT! I took Lion Rafale from another fighting game called Virtua Fighter. He_ will_ make an appearance in this fanfic because we need the double trouble. Don't worry, I'm not going to rip on Lili 24/7, that's not Asuka's character now is it?**

**AS FOR THE DRESSES!**

**The link for all the dresses will be found on my MAIN PAGE!**


	4. Writers Block final

**Writers Block Final**

_Cha cha la cha cha cha la la cha cha la cha cha_

_Cha cha la cha cha cha la la cha cha la cha cha_

_I might be a dancing fool, but I'm no idiot_

_Cha cha la cha cha cha la la cha cha la cha cha_

_Cha cha la cha cha cha la la cha cha la cha cha_

_With I cry of love, I pray for peace_

_And sing a song heard around the world_

* * *

My aunt came home, just so you know. And she brought gifts as if she went on actual holiday, so I take it that her 'strike' is over. Anyway, I was standing outside of a classy as hell restaurant, staring at the car that just so happened to fit my uncle Lars, uncle Kazzy and Jin with Lee driving. I think aunt Jun is at home making dinner or something, I don't know, the woman seemed way too upbeat for me to comprehend. Don't get me wrong, optimism is fine by me but only on people that are always like that. Seeing aunt Jun like this now of all times is scary and it makes me suspicious of her little strike from home at her friends house...

But back to what had happened. I changed dresses under the order of both uncle Kazzy and aunt Jun, she said that it made me look way older than I was and uncle Kazzy said that I look like a bad imitation of a couple of singers that he decided to mention. I didn't know that he was into that kind of music, but after a few seconds, he caught himself and pointed towards Jin's room. So apparently he listens to Hello! Project. It's not bad, I like it and all but it would have made a lot more sense if he heard the names come out of _my_ mouth instead of Jin's. Then again, he tends to NOT LISTEN TO MY CONSTANT BABBLING! She gave me little pieces of clothes she's always locked up in her closet, so she gave me a sparkly headband, brushed my hair a little so my bangs would peak out like "HEY BITCH" and she would have given me earrings... But I had no piercings; much to her dismay. I'm sorry, aunt Jun! But she also gave me a white, sleeveless blouse -it feels so silky...- Oh! She knew I couldn't go to a date without something to cover up my bum and underwear, so I got a high waist, black skirt with sparkly stuff and it reached my lower thigh, I felt uncomfortable about this breeze... It was awesome and layered and yay! With a thin, silver bangle bracelet, a black necklace with loads of diamonds and beads... Uncle Lee told me that it was called a... Diamond Riviere... Reveire? I don't know how he knows this shit! Got to wear my new ankle boots so, win time.

BACK TO WHAT WAS GOING ON AGAIN! They were all saying their farewells as if I was going to leave them forever; uncle Lee even got a little tear in the moment. I don't know why the others had to join him. "Well... Asuka will soon become a woman and as a parting gift, I will give you this." I automatically reached my open palm out the second the word 'gift' tumbled out of his mouth. I like gifts, who doesn't? Well, teachers don't but that's part of the 'no accepting gifts' rule. Uncle Lee clasped both of his hands over my smaller one and I felt something poke against the bottom of my index finger. What was that? It felt like plastic, but it was so warm that it didn't at the same time. Was this my present? "Please, take care of it and yourself. You _must_ use it no matter what!" OH MY GOD A MAGICAL PENDANT!? OH UNCLE LEE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! I yanked my hand back and stared down at the gift.

Uncle Lee... You didn't.

He _couldn't_ have.

... NO WONDER THAT FLAMBOYANT BASTARD HID IT FROM ANYONE ELSE'S VIEW! The only person that caught a glimpse of it was uncle Lars and he swiped it from my open hand and stuffed it into his pocket with a less than satisfied look on his reddening face. Never again would I touch on that subject.

"I wish you would not have to use such a thing at your age or on a first date, Asuka..."

"No prob', uncle Lars."

He nodded curtly and gave me his trademark almost-smile-smirk. "I hope you have an eventful evening, do be careful. I hear these kind of dates are even more dangerous than normal ones." Eventful? With me? That was the most eventful thing that has ever happened in my life, I actually found myself doubting that it would really happen. But hell, I saw Xiaoyu attempt at raping my cousin so it's really not that hard to believe. Hopefully I do see something that has nothing to do with my heritage and my family does not come into play. In _anything_.

"When this date goes wrong, you have your phone." Nice uncle Kazzy. Nice.

"_When_ it goes wrong?" I echoed and crossed my arms over my chest, my eyebrows furrowed together and my lips were in a thin line. This negativity was really getting to me. What did I do to him to make him feel so moody? Well he's moody all of the time but that was low.

And apparently the last person that would ever stand up for me caught my distress. "Let's go, I'm missing Utaban." I had to pick up my jaw and watch the car speed off with me staring at the empty space that it once was in.

Since when did Jin watch Utaban?

* * *

When I finally got into the restaurant, which was _much_ bigger than it looked like on the outside, I ended up sitting at the reserved seat near the balcony and waiting for my date. Mind you, I was waiting for half an hour before I heard the host's voice closing in on me, sounding rather uncomfortable with whatever was going on. So like the nosy little girl I was, I turned to see that he was arguing with a woman in a long white cheongsam, the slits showing her outer left and right legs and a few simple, purple designs, both formal looking and body hugging. And the worst thing was, you could _tell_ she had a slender figure even if she had a mountain of clothes. She was pale, large brown eyes but I could tell by the shape she was probably from China, a heart shaped face and her long, dark brown hair was loose and reached up to her lower back.

See what life throws in my face? What I can never be. It's quite depressing seeing as my date isn't eve-

"Why would anyone set me up on a date with a woman when I said I was straight!?"

Was she pointing at me?

Oh God no, uncle Lee.

You thought I was a _lesbian?_

* * *

"Sorry 'bout all of this, my uncle is an oddball… A highly… Flamboyant… Oddball."

"It's fine, Asuka-chan…" I learned that her name was Leifang and our 'date' ended up being a normal meal between two women that were dressed for a date instead of a ladies night. Leifang sank into her chair and took a gulp Chinese tea before setting it down on the table. "I was surprised to hear that you're related to the Mishima's and yet you're…"

"Nice?"

"Yes." I like this girl. "Excuse me for being so frank but… Why did you want a blind date? Don't you have exams and other things to worry about?"

"Y-yeah well… I'm kind of behind on an assignment and it's due in for tomorrow but everything keeps distracting me before I can get anything done but just when I got started with my assignment, my uncle set up this date and it's my first date ever so I was-"

"Excited?"

"That's it. So now, I'm dateless, all of my friends have boyfriends except for me and that would have never been a problem if they actually told me but they didn't and now I feel left out…"

I didn't know why I felt like complete crap but I did, and she just giggled at it. WHY WAS HER LAUGH PRETTY TOO?! COULDN'T SHE HAVE ONE OF THOSE UGLY LAUGHS?

"We shouldn't let ourselves feel like we _have_ to get boyfriends, and you're still young. All you need to worry about are your studies so you can come to college, besides, it'll happen eventually. Everyone has their time." Leifang picked up the mini fork and took a bite of her… almond _tofu._ I can never get to like that stuff, no matter how many times it's thrown in my face.

What she said made me think, it did make me feel a _little_ better, sure. If everyone had his or her time to get all mushy and lovey-dovey, then that meant that I was a late bloomer? I shook it off, no, that's not what she meant. Besides, she was right about the whole studies thing… Because of the whole 'I need a boyfriend' operation, I completely neglected my assignment. Which is _still_ due tomorrow!

"Anyway, I'm going to be off now. I still need to hurry back, before my roommate at the dorm starts interrogating me." She laughed in an uncomfortable and awkward manner, and I know what an awkward laugh sounds like because I _am_ awkward. She began to gather her things and I guessed that the entire date was prepaid; so I did the same. "See you later, Asuka!" Leifang called out to me, waving with her back turned to me as she ran towards the bus.

Which reminded me.

HOW THE HELL AM I S'POSED TO GET HOME?!

* * *

I am a very unhappy camper. I've never really gone camping so I wouldn't know how it would feel to be an unhappy camper, let alone a _very _unhappy one at that. But I was! Unhappy, I mean. I don't know about the camper thing anymore because as I walk down the streets of this scarily unfamiliar street, I'm drawing unwanted attention to myself.

Not that I was surprised or anything, I'm dragging my feet along the ground with my back hunched over like some sort of gargoyle. I got tired after walking a couple of blocks and apparently I walked in circles but it was all okay because these heels are killing my feet and I'm starting to grow bunions on bunions from these shoes.

If you didn't notice, I'm being sarcastic. It runs in the family an awful lot.

* * *

I did something that I didn't think of doing a while ago and asked some passer-bys where I was and then I had the brains to ask them where the nearest police station was, it seemed like I passed it twice over the time that I had spent wandering around aimlessly. So out of the people that I asked, three kids threw grapes at me, the old lady pretended that she couldn't speak Japanese –HOW CAN YOU NOT SPEAK JAPANESE, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF TOKYO- and a man said that I would never be able to be a Cabaret girl even if I begged him. I guessed that he was the owner of one of those kinds of clubs, and I never even asked. THANKS MAN, ITS NOT LIKE MY SELF ESTEEM HAD JUST PLUMETED DOWN TO THE GROUND 'CAUSE OF THAT LITTLE COMMENT. Don't worry, I gave him a nice uppercut, I just felt something crack when I did too. It felt good.

Note to self.

Do the same to Jin.

… And uncle Kazzy.

… Scratch that, don't touch uncle Kazzy, don't YOU DARE DO ANYTHING TO UNCLE KAZZY, DON'T EVEN LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU _CALL_ HIM UNCLE KAZZY!

* * *

Oh look at that, it's Lei. I thought he was demoted to being a traffic cop for a while now he's back on duty… While writing a speeding ticke- Damnit Lei. You used to be awesome. The _super detective_ when I met him anyway, he was kind of goofy and stuff and I-

"_Don't lie now_,"

Right, I can't speak English. Great. I forgot about that little detail. Oh well, that's what subtitles are for, right? Don't question it. Just roll with it.

"Detective Lei, remember me?" I called out to him. WOAH, HE'S WHIPPIN' OUT THE CUFFS! I DON'T LIKE THAT KIND OF THING MR WULONG, I SWEAR, AND I'M UNDERAGED MAN NO WONDER YOU GOT DEMO- Oh. He just cuffed the guy's wrist to the direction pole or whatever it was called. It's still a pole that strippers can grind on.

… Can strippers grind on the North Pole?

"Oh, hi Asuka, how have you been? What are you doing here? How's your father? Are the Mishimas' behaving them-selves? If you need anything, I'll give you my number and a few other cops I can trust that will be there immediately, here are my 'digits' as you kids say, 049-"

"I'm lost."

He was looking at me like I grew an extra head. Why!? I'm never in these parts; even the guy he handcuffed stopped struggling and stared at both of us like we were idiots. I'm not an idiot! I'm only a little dense at times.

All right; I'm kind of an idiot, but RIGHT NOW I'M WAY SMARTER THAN THE DETECTIVE!

"E-excuse me?" SEE? The fool is not me, it's the detective. Not me.

"You're a detective aren't you? _Detect_ her way home." I like him. Weird hair, doesn't speak Japanese either even though this is JAPAN, but I like him. It's not like it _bothers_ me that I know several people that live in this country and I haven't heard any of them speak a lick of Japanese. I'd like one word. Like… "Well, first lemme go, _then_ you can help the little lady."

"Sounds like a plan!" I sang. I like singing. It makes me feel all warm inside.

"Ahaha, no. You're both coming with me." Teehee… Coming with me… "Grow _up_, Asuka…"

"Actually, only grown-ups are supposed to know dirty jokes like that not kids. What kind of cop are you?" The guy shook his head and tutted, causing me to join him. Hey, this guy is fun. Aaaaaaaand Lei was losing his patience.

"Honestly, what would you teach your kids?" That was me.

"Shameful." That was Mr. me.

"Dishonorable." That was also me. I swear we could make the perfect tag team in the next tournament… If it had to do with trash talking.

"I bet you brush your teeth and drink orange juice straight after." That was also him looking at Lei in disgust. This guy. Well, I think I found the male version of me.

* * *

He actually snapped. I didn't think it was possible. He handcuffed me too and forced me into the back of his car and before you say anything, he's not a sexual predator that way because right after, he pushed the other guy in too and I must say it was quite awkward. Right after they stopped shouting at each other as if I wasn't right they're in the middle of them.

If you're wondering what they're fighting about, my subtitles said that Lei was confiscating his drivers' license for reckless driving and lying to an officer. Normally he's much more laid back, but I think we pissed him off.

"How'd you get lost from a restaurant four blocks away from your house anyway?"

"Shut up, Mr. me."

"… What?"

* * *

Anyway, Lei –for some reason- decided that it would be a good idea to drop me at least a block away from my house –it's not really my house and I still have yet to find out who that house belongs to, but for how it is called… THE ASUKA MANOR! AND WE SHALL HAVE DRINKS AND PARTIES AND FUN TIME AND EVERYONE SHALL BE SINGING CHA CHA SING!

**_Cha cha la cha cha cha la la cha cha la cha cha-_**

"Uhh…"

**_Cha cha la cha cha cha la la cha cha la cha cha-_**

"Asuka…?"

**_Odoru aho dakedo tada no baka ja nai-_**

"You sure do look like one singing like that."

… I was thinking out loud again wasn't I?

* * *

"Oi, gimmie your number."

"WELL, that's no way to ask a lady! I don't even know your name." I huffed and for some reason I was speaking in a Tokyo dialect*. I didn't question it.

I gave him my number because he was cool. He had goggles! Which made him cooler. Anyway, I got out of the car and I THINK IT WAS ILLEGAL HOW LEI MADE THE SUDDEN U-TURN! I WILL TAKE AWAY YO-

"OFFICER LEI WULONG OF THE HONG KONG POLICE DEPARTMENT, I AM GOING TO HAVE TO CONFISCATE YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE!" I heard it from the car. Damn, that dude is awesome. Even worded it better than I did. I salute thee.

My uncle was waiting in his car outside of the restaurant the whole time. What confuses me the most is, WHY DID HE DRIVE ME THERE WHEN WE COULD'VE WALKED?! FOUR BLOCKS! FOUR CROSSINGS!

* * *

I could list out all of the crappy things that happened that evening like I did in a longer, more stories like way a few minutes ago, but I won't. I'm too lazy. You can go up and read again if it would please you. Hahaha~The good part of the evening. I got two new friends.

"Who?" Apparently I was talking out loud while washing the dishes with my aunt Jun. Some point in the night, she gave up on her strike. My uncle said it was just the menopause kicking in and next thing you'd know she'll get grey hairs and stop inviting _her_ aunt Flow to come over every month. I don't know why uncle Kazzy is such an asshole sometimes. Of course, I don't call him out on it. I don't want a broken spine.

"Lei Fang and Hwoarang."

"…"

"…"

"Don't tell your cousin about that last one."

* * *

_It's okay not to try your best._

* * *

**Mien Gott that took a while to shit out. Now my asscheeks hurt. **

**... I don't mean actual shit, I mean the story.**

**Anyway, Read and review please~**

**And look out for the Christmas special of Passing For Dummies! See you next chapter! :DD**

**And yes. I am quite the HwoarangxAsuka shipper. ;p I won't make it a romance. Unless it's requested. **


	5. Christmas with Dummies pt1

**Passing For Dummies**

_**Christmas Special.**_

_Where is my Santa_

_In a pink suit?_

_Is there really_

_A turkey in a pink hat?_

_Maybe it's really a girl_

_You're taking too long with your makeup, Santa_

_(Wa~ Merry Pin Xmas by Morning Musume (Sayupink & Kohapink)_

* * *

I should be so happy right now. Waking up in the morning to find that it is a glorious, bright –cold mind you- and hopeful morning. Why do you ask? It's Christmas day, fool! In Japan we _kind_ of celebrate Christmas. It's not as showy and epic as it would be in the West, but we have ONE DAY OFF, luckily, I go to the school that Heihachi Mishima owns and I didn't think that he liked Christmas, but he burst into the school hall a week before the holiday while the teachers were giving announcements to the different school year students saying that we have a week off on Christmas Eve and a week after Boxing day; strange really, 'cause all of the years have different days for assemblies. First year has one on Monday, we have one on Wednesday and the last year has one on Friday…

Did he burst into all three of them in a Santa suit instead of saying so on Monday through the intercom…?

Whatever! It's still pretty epic! I get almost two weeks off of High School when we normally have just Christmas off in my old school back in Osaka. Then again, this would be the first Christmas I spend away from my dad… Hm. Well, he _did _say that he would try to get here as soon as possible if they allow him out of the-

Why do I hear arguing downstairs?

Naturally, I _would_ make my way downstairs and towards the source of the anger and REBELLION but I know those voices. I know _one_ of those voices, kind of. Kazuya and Jin sound the same when they're arguing with aunt Jun. I hear a flamboyant voice and that's obviously uncle Lee in there throwing in a word or two for himself.

"Men should never argue with a woman, it's impossible fight to win!" Can't say it isn't completely true. Jun is involved in said fight. And she's probably **winning**. Seeing as it is impossible to win in an argument with my aunt… The only person that's stubborn enough to fight with her is Heihachi… Crap. When did he return from bursting into people's classes singing "JINGLE BELLS!"?'

* * *

Alright, what I'm about to say will scare those with weak hearts, so here it goes, Heichachi –no I don't call him my grandfather because he's not fit to be one- is standing in the middle of the hallway in a Santa outfit. Yeah. Not the same one he was wearing in school though because this one is _special._

He has no pants on. He was just wearing a red Santa thong and I want to throw up so hard but there was nothing in my stomach. Lars was lying near the door in the hallway unconscious, most likely that he fainted out of shock. The poor guy didn't have enough guts to face it and for some reason Alisa was sitting next to him, fanning his face with a dirty white cloth… With… Straps… It looks like a… Couldn't be. Even Alisa has more sense than that to fan uncle Lars with such a soiled little thing.

"PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON!" It was a high pitched scream that didn't come from aunt Jun or uncle Lee. Lars was still unconscious so he's out, Alisa was busy with her fanning.

It was uncle Kazzy.

Uncle Kazzy was screaming like a preteen girl that has just seen her father outside of the school gates talking to the guy she likes in nothing but his underwear, a gown and flip flops with socks.

My dad has done that before. BUT BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND!

Uncle Kazzy dragged Jun by the back of her head and pushed her into me, which was quite rude because I was still making my way down those steps! It was hard when the steps are so long and you're watching that kind of thing! Not because I want to see Heihachi's arse. Lord no, I've seen what that thing has done to the poor and innocent uncle Lars!

Oh, he's waking up. I looked at something more interesting, like the back handed bitch slap Jun had just delivered to my uncle. Kazzy I mean. Lee too, but he got more of a tap on the chin because the impact her hand gave was so powerful. I flinched, seriously, and uncle Kazzy was staring at her like she was naked with goo covering her. Yeah, he was impressed and he actually took the backseat in this.

"IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNIN' FOR THIS SHIT!" That was Lars.

"Oh my God, you guys are _so_ embarrassing! What if I had friends over!?"

"Jin, you have no friends."

"Asuka, what ever happened to the girl friend we spent so much time finding for you?"

HE WAS BEHIND THIS.

"I got her number and I met a cute guy too."

"... You are a liar."

"Nope, I got his number before I got a ride home!" That's when I felt a glare coming at me from aunt Jun's direction. Oh right! Not telling him and stuff!

"So, did you meet slender man last night? He was knocking on your door."

Maybe I should go to someone else's house for Christmas…

* * *

Yeah, I decided to go somewhere else for today. I don't think I'll be able to celebrate Christmas with my actual family like I did with mom and dad. Not sad, it's more embarrassing actually.

Hm… I think I should've planned this whole thing out before I stormed out of the house in a fit of rage. And what I call a fit of rage is nothing to them because I don't think they even noticed me leave. Nevertheless, I wanted out. And I wanted to go to a friends' house because all of my relatives so far in this part of Japan are obviously retarded.

If I listed out my friends carefully, I'd be able to pick out who would be willing enough to let poor ol' me into their homes and hearts for Christmas. And I haven't gone to any of their houses before, except for Leo and Xiaoyu. But Leo lives in an apartment by herself and Xiaoyu is in a house with her grandfather so I don't know what that crazy chick is doing for Christmas this year.

Probably writing her list…

She still doesn't know that Santa doesn't exist. I whipped out my phone –YES WHIPPED- and looked through my near empty address book. Let's look through our options, shall we? I have Alisa –she _is_ the phone, seriously, she doesn't own a physical phone because you can get to that shit through _her_, Hwoarang –Yes, I have his number but I don't call it because the first time I did to meet up, he's a complete asshole about it, Leifang –I don't know where she lives, something about a dorm in her college or university, I don't remember anymore, Lili –No matter how much money she has, I ain't calling the airhead, Leo –Does she celebrate Christmas… Miharu is on vacation in Hawaii and finally Xiaoyu who will always be at the end of the list. Yeah… There's no way in hell I'll be able to spend Christmas with any of them.

None of my friends are normal.

Oh well, it's better than going back home. Onward to Alisa!

* * *

"–_Hello and happy holidays! You have reached Alisa Bosconovitch, who may I ask is calling me?"_ I stayed silent for a while because I actually thought that I reached the voicemail thing. Does she even have voicemail in her? Did the person that made her actually think it would be a good idea to put that in? And did she have Bluetooth? Wi Fi? If she did, I wouldn't mind spending my holiday with her just on the Internet. All Christmas. _"–From the caller ID application I have recently and conveniently acquired, I have gathered that this is most likely Miss* Asuka. How may I help you?"_

I didn't even get to say "Hi". My brain is working too hard to figure out how my mind is being fucked right now. Yes, the retards have rubbed off on me and I've started to regret it. My swearing levels have SKY ROCKETED since I started living with them.

… Wait, did she say caller ID application? She can get _APPS_ for herself!? SHE IS THE WAY FORWARD, NEXT YOU'LL TELL ME SHE'S AN MP3 PLAYER AND SHE'LL BE BUSTING OUT RUSSIAN MUSIC. "t.A.T.u" IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

"Uh-huh, hi Alisa I was just wondering if you were busy tod-"

"–_Not at all."_

"Yeah, could you not do that? I don't really like it when people cut me off."

"–_I apologize, Miss Asuka."_ If you're wondering why she's calling me 'Miss' all the time, I don't know either, but it's better than her using all of the stupid honorifics at the end of my name.

"No problem, if it ain't too much trouble, could you pick me up from the train station?"

"–_Oh, this is a holiday where humans who celebrate it spend with their families and, or, loved ones, correct?"_

"Yeah, I guess." I kicked at a large, stray rock and shuffled over to where it landed to repeat the process as I made my way down the road.

"–_Then, if you do not mind my asking, why would you want to spend it with me? You are currently under the residence of the Mishimas', thus making the approved 'family' perfect for Christmas day."_

"I don't wanna spend Christmas day with them." Why do I feel like she's indirectly saying 'no'?

"–_Is Lars not with you? I left the house and you were still in the-"_

"Nope! He fainted again after you left because Heihachi started doing the 'Sexy and I Know It" wiggle."

"–… _I'm sorry."_

"… Alisa?"

"–_Yes?"_

"You don't want to pick me up, do you?"

"–_In all honesty… I cannot for I have company I must keep under surveillance at all times or else Heihachi Mishima will get to him once again."_ Did that sound a tad bit stalkerish to you? 'Cause it did to me. Just from that, I wanted to end the call. I don't care if she just said 'him'. It was creepy and I'm not going to entertain her stalker side. Besides, this call is too long and I don't know how her calling credit or whatever works. _"–Would you still want me to pick you up?"_

"Nah, it's fine, I must be wasting your credit, so I'll hang up now. Thanks, Alisa."

"–_Oh, no, you need not worry about that, I have a contract."_

What?

* * *

So, in the time I was on the phone trying to get rid of Alisa, I found out that the guy she had over at her lab or house or apartment or even basement was Kamiya… Kamiyama… I don't remember anymore. She was babbling random stuff about love so I started tuning out and telling her I wasn't the best person to be talked to about that subject. And he is _not_ her boyfriend. She was flustered when I asked but she said so! Uncle Lee lied to me!

Next on the list… Hwoarang… Yeah, I'll try. It's a shot in the dark but I think he lives somewhere they have dojos with his master and some other students. So as long as it's this early in the morning and his master is there, I'll have a reason to believe that he'd be nice.

Why does only one thing in that theory work in my head after a few minutes? I called. It rang. And rang. Again… Should I count how many times this lazy bastard will let the phone ring?

"–_Hnn…?"_ Oh, so he _was_ sleeping. I should feel guilty for waking him up, but I'm getting a sick sense of accomplishment from this.

"MERRY CHRISTMA-!" Dial tone.

He hung up.

HE HUNG UP ON ME! AFTER ALL THE THINGS I'VE DONE LIKE WAKE HIM UP AND PRETEND I WAS HIS MOMMA! He found out it was me because he doesn't know his mom. Sad really. But not really, because his reaction was fun. I did it the next day with Miharu to pretend that we found out he was 'cheating' on us. He found that out too. And have Miharu his number. He'll need to keep it in his pants at all times.

* * *

I wanted to run to Lei Fang, I really did, everything was going terribly. I feel like I should have called her first, especially since she promised that she would pick me up at the bus stop near a mall rather close to my school. So I waited there in the cold, I felt like I could pierce tires with my nipples.

Yes, dear readers, I _am_ wearing a bra. It's just that cold.

* * *

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_

**I want to say, thank you too all of my reviewers, you give me Apple and Cherry juice when I'm at my least inspired stages… Yes this will continue to New Years. I'll probably separate the two… But then I was like "NAW, FAWK DAT SHEET" and just put it here. ^^ **

**I didn't think I'd have reviewers like you. I thought that one or two reviewers would be like "HEY YEW, FAWK YER STORY, YEW SUCK JINGLE BELLS" and stuff but no! I got really touching messages about my writing style which is lovely because I haven't written an on-going fanfic/novel in **_**years**_**. And they didn't pass 3 chapters because I wasn't inspired like I am now. Most of the stupidity comes from my friends so don't you worry, dearies. **

**Wanna preview?! HERE!**

_I stared at the stupidest person I have ever met and said: "What did you get me for Christmas?"_

_His reply was really interesting. _

_"You'll walk into your room and I'm there ass-naked, my parts wrapped up in red linen with a bowtie on it and I'll say "MERRY CHRISTMAS, ASUKA, IT'S A CANDY CANE" and you will not question the candy cane because it is delicious to you."_

"… _What?"_

"_It was a joke, retard." _


End file.
